My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
