He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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