After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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