i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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