hotel room ftw
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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