I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
