I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
