never play flip cup with pint glasses
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
