I am in a vortex of obligation.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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