They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
