hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
