My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
