just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
