I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
