3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
