She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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