Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
