I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
