Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
So squirting runs in the family.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
