I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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