Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
