my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
