Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Randomize
