I am in a vortex of obligation.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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