I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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