he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You made out with two different species that night
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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