and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
