Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
