just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
