Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
