I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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