just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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