I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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