hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
