i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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