i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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