I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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