i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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