Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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