I hate your face
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
