Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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