I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
how drunk are you?
Several
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
