I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
