We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
