I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
