I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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