My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
