I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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