I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
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