party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
