theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
