the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
